Love Italian Style: Lady in the Parlor, Chapters 6 & 7

Chapter 6 is entitled On TV!. Melissa talks about the family’s decision to go on Real Housewives and New Jersey and how it has affected her life. She writes in a strangely mesmerized way, “It’s like going out to a restaurant that seats five million people. Our table is in the middle the room and it’s as if we are talking into a loud speaker for the whole world to hear.” Um, what?I don’t even know how to interpret that simile because it makes no fucking sense. But anyway, this part is completely unneeded for an “advice” book. How many women are going to be on reality TV shows? How many of them are looking for advice on how to handle having your life videotaped for people to laugh at? Seriously?Melissa writes that being on film is nothing new for her because her father was always filming her when she was a little girl. He loved to film her so much that she writes, “That smile was because of me. I made him happy. I wanted nothing more than to make that happen again and again.” Because that’s healthy.So anyway, she describes the two main misconceptions about people who appear on reality shows. 1. They have no shame. 2. They’re fame whores. Uh huh. As for having no shame, you’re putting your entire private life onto film and then she wrote this book, which includes an entire passage on her bathroom habits. I don’t see her as a woman who has a lot of shame. Second, why else would you go on a reality TV show if not for fame? Not all of them pay well or enough to justify the huge loss of privacy. They accomplish pretty much nothing. It doesn’t take any talents or abilities to be on a reality show. In fact, it helps if you’re talentless and like to fight.But Melissa breaks it down and tells her loyal readers exactly why she wanted to go on Real Housewives of New Jersey,They original appeal was to show the world how hard Joe and I work to live this life, what we’ve accomplished and how we raise our kids. I’m so proud of our family, home, and our marriage. I think it’s where we shine. I wanted to be able to say, “Look at what we did!” It sounds corny, but I wanted to demonstrate the happiness of being a stay-at-home Mom and wifey, and be inspiring for the women who were in my situation.I know that this book was (poorly) ghost written, but come on. She wanted to go on TV because she was proud of her marriage and family? She wanted cameras in her face all day long because she wanted to inspire women? Inspire them to do what, exactly? If you have a psychological need for attention, that’s fine. Just admit it. If she wanted to go on TV to brag about her great life and how much her husband objectifies her, then that’s fine too. Just admit it.The entire idea that she went on this show to be an inspiration to women everywhere is just insulting. To her and to the women she’s supposed to be supporting. She also compares being on Real Housewives to “instagram on steroids”. She’s sharing family vacation photos, just with millions of strangers and people that talk smack about her on Twitter. Because that makes sense to her.But when it came down to make a decision, thankfully Melissa had god on her side. She reverently intones,When in doubt, I prayed. I turned to God to point me in the right direction and left it in His hands. I asked God to bless us with the opportunity, but if the show started to do anything to hurt our marriage, to take it away.Just imagine if she was an atheist and she had to take responsibility for her own decisions. Wouldn’t that be horrible? Joe adds in that he didn’t like the change when they first got on the show. He would come home and his wife would dare to not be in the kitchen, cooking his dinner in tight pants. How could he adjust?!Melissa writes about how she wanted Joe involved in the show right off the bat. Because why would she do anything in her life that didn’t directly involve her husband? She might not hear enough constant praise to make her feel confident or something.Then Melissa talks about how the show has impacted her children. She writes how difficult it is to try to sign autographs and talk to fans when she has her two-year-old son with her. She then mentions that when she’s away promoting the show or doing an appearance, she sometimes has Joe watch the kids.I know, right?! She states, “Sometimes, Joe stays at home with the kids by himself. Yes! It’s true! It’s just another way we’ve evolved as a family.” Can you imagine that? A father being alone with his children while their mother is outside doing something else? What a strange and weird way for a family to evolve! Imagine what’s next, Joe cooking dinner? No wait, he’d sprout a vagina if he did that. Never mind.In a small aside, Melissa talks about how an old friend sold pictures of her to the press and one of them was of her peeing on a toilet. She felt betrayed and bewildered why someone would be interested in seeing that and then she launches into this bizarre section;Now, if I were taking a poopie, I’d understand. Wow. Much more interesting. Stop the presses. Joe would probably would have bought that photo himself, just to have proof that I actually poop! I never let him see me do it. Because I just don’t. We all know girls don’t poop!If you think this is the last time she talks about pooping, then you would be wrong. But I’m going to wait until that time to talk about her toilet habits. For now, I’ll just say that this seems like more efforts for her perfection. She wants to be so perfect and flawless that she jokes about not even pooping.After that bizarre piece she writes about how she got called to do a Hot Bodies spread in US Weekly. She called Joe and his response was, “No. You can’t just fly around whenever you want.” Yeah, what does she think she is, an independent person with goals and aspirations of her own? She’s a wife and a mother and she needs to be in that kitchen wearing stretch pants, cooking pasta. End of story.But Melissa figures out how to “have it all”. She takes Joe with her! They get this mini-vacation to California for the photo shoot and come back the next day. And Joe never has to leave her side! It’s perfect for everyone!Now Melissa talks about her “singing career”. It’s hard to take her seriously as her music is so terrible and from her performance in the videos, she’s not that talented of a dancer or anything of that nature. Also, the small fact that she can’t actually sing. The idea that she takes her “singing career” seriously really doesn’t make her look as humble and modern as she would hope. She just looks delusional.Chapter 7 is all about staying in. In fact, it’s titled Staying In. Melissa is such a genius. Anyway, it starts off with a little tidbit from Joe that reads, “A lot of my friends go to a strip club every night after world. I’m not that guy. Who needs to stare at strippers when my sexy wife is waiting for me at home?”Yeah, who cares about strippers when you have a woman at home that you have complete and total control over? You don’t need to go to a strip club and pretend that you own a woman for a few hours. Melissa is his sex toy and personal property 24/7.Now is a section on entertaining Italian style. Melissa writes that it’s so important to be able to entertain and keep a home. She writes, “Make your husband feel happy and entertained at home, and he won’t look to go elsewhere.” And if he does stray, then you’ve failed. Whore.Melissa advocates having lots of food available, having lots of women cooking in the kitchen, lots of men grilling outside, children running around being fucking annoying, etc. And she encourages alcohol. A lot of it. She says, “Drinking ensures high energy and lower inhibitions. It’s not a party if someone doesn’t say or do something they regret in the morning.” That sounds like an awful party. No wonder there are so many fights on the Real Housewives with logic like this.But really, parties are just sex play for Melissa and Joe. While their guests are drinking, eating and having a good time, they’re eye fucking across the room and telepathically communicating their dirty thoughts to each other. No, seriously.Also, I know that if Joe sees me from across the crowded room, he’ll like what he sees. We play eye contact cat and mouse when we entertain at home, sneaking peeks at each other, checking each other out, sending sexy telepathic messages what we’ll do when everyone leaves. Parties are like extended foreplay for us.I must say, the Gorgas are interesting people. First they have DNA that has “never leave a woman behind” imprinted on it, then they have telepathy. Amazing! They definitely need to be studied.Now Melissa has compiled a list of five things that she would never say to her in-laws while she is entertaining them.1. Serve yourself.2. I’m using plastic plates.3. Wow, we ate everything.4. I’ve got an early morning.5. Glad that’s over.It’s great that Melissa wants to be so gracious with her in-laws, but when she writes, “Are you seeing the common theme? I am their slave from the minute they walk in until the minute they go.” I get a little concerned. Melissa’s undying need to please and be perfect extends not just to Joe, but also to his family. A relationship that is notoriously difficult for women. She seems to have picked her battle wisely. There will always be something to do when she is trying to please everyone.Moving on, Melissa writes about Chilling Italian Style. She has an entire timeline set up for their weekends and also a recipe for the pancakes that Joe makes on Sunday. She writes that pancakes and eggs are the only thing he knows how to cook. Because cooking requires a vagina. The pancake recipe isn’t anything that you couldn’t find on Pinterest, to be totally honest.Melissa ends the chapter with a section on “Little Things”. And she talks about Joe’s penis. Ha ha, just kidding. I had to amuse myself when I read this book. So boring. Anyway, she recommends that husbands and wives choose things from the lists “For Her” and “For Him” and states “I guarantee that day-to0day tension in your marriage will gradually disappear. You’ll have fewer fights. Feelings of anger and resentment will be replaced by gratitude and love.”Her amazing list includes things like,For Her: Buy him socks and underwear. I have no idea why men go through sock sand underwear so quickly. But making sure he always has new pairs make [sic] a man feel appreciative.For Him: Shower before bed. Extra points: Shave before bed.Socks and showering. It can save your goddamn marriage. Makes me wonder why people get divorced at all if all it takes is a nice pair of socks to smooth things over.This ends the second part of Melissa’s all too painful book. The next part is entitled “Cook in the Kitchen”. I bet you can’t wait.To read all review entries of Love Italian Style, click here. Blogs are in reverse chronological order.